I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Please, let me fuck your mom
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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