I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Randomize
