Quick, to the slutcave!
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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