i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Randomize
