i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
