im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
