I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
