If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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