This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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