I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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