i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
