Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
