Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
