Your mouth is God's brothel.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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