positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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