so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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