Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
