Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
