I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
