im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
