I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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