I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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