College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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