Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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