Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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