I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
