ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
