I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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