She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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