listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
