I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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