just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
