god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
