Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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