Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
