I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
