Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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