Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
