he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
