If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize
