he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
