He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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