Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
