im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
