I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
