I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
