So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Randomize
