Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Randomize
