worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Randomize
