Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Randomize
