I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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