im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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